Overheard earlier this week in the grocery store; (mom to small child) "You have to go a little longer without talking about poop first, then you can have one".
I can't wait to have conversations like that of my own. Except, knowing me, I will be swapping bathroom stories with my kids and Dan will be the one trying to discourage excessive poop talk in public.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Ticking time bomb, 39 weeks 1 day
It's more than time for another update. I guess as pregnancy has advanced, my inspiration has petered out. Or maybe it's just my energy level that has petered out. Whew! This baby is getting heavy, and definitely NOT more comfortable than when I last wrote. Turns out, carrying a 5-7lb person in your abdomen 24/7 wears a lady out!
The newest developments on the physical front include the baby moving and stretching inward and downward into my guts, instead of mostly outward. This inward movement causes new levels of discomfort like I never imagined! I don't really want to get all complainy here, but I really thought internal organs weren't supposed to have nerves to be able to feel that! I'm pretty sure this baby quite literally kicks the crap out of me sometimes. I just hope I don't develop any internal bleeding. That doesn't happen, right? I mean, women's bodies are designed to withstand their ninja babies' antics, or else the human race would have died out a long time ago. So, I'll be fine. I just need to keep reminding myself that.
The movements are always getting bigger, and it is seriously nuts to see the shape of my stomach change so drastically. The ripples and corners that appear and disappear at random look like something out of a freaky science fiction story. Weird, weird, weird. But awesome. I love watching her squirm around in there, it is so fascinating. I was aware that the movements would get strong enough to see, but I had no idea it would look this dramatic. I seriously need to get a video before it's too late!
The fetal hiccups I was warned about seem to happen mostly in the evening when I've gone to bed or am snuggled up on the couch, and they are kind of annoying. I guess it's similar to when I have hiccups- I'm never exactly sure when then next one is coming but I'm pretty sure it is, and that makes it really hard to relax or concentrate on anything else.
Confession: The other day while I was sorting and putting away baby clothes (thanks again, Aunt Bev and Allison!), I teared up a little. The mental image of my brand new and completely perfect little person wearing one of those tiny adorable outfits was just too much for me! The socks are unreasonably small. There is no excuse for a person to be small enough to fit into one of those. It's unreal. In 3 weeks or less there will be a tiny person here having her tiny feet fit into those ridiculous socks. Well, at least those feet won't be doing me any more internal damage then! On one hand, I'm really excited to meet her and hold her and it feels like torture to have had to wait SO LONG and be so close and yet so far away from the actual time of her arrival. On the other hand, despite the discomfort and complaints, I've gotten used to her and to being pregnant. I don't feel the need to get her out ASAP, I feel like I can keep this up for a while and there is no rush. I want her to be good and ready to make her appearance, and as thrilled as I will be to have me back to myself, I don't mind her waiting around for a while longer. The only caveat is please please please, Lego, come out on your own before the 42 week mark so we don't have to discuss induction!
People get surprised when we discuss my plan to forgo pain medication, especially when I tell them I'm not worried about labor. Well, younger people anyway. Most of my elderly clients didn't have much in the way of pain relief options so they're less impressed. It surprises me a little bit how engrained in our modern cultural mindset it is that labor in an intolerably painful experience that is only made endurable by the grace of modern medicine. People who choose to go that route have every right and while I encourage them to read, take classes, and educate themselves, I respect that they make the choices that are right for them. I wrote about birthing and labor in a previous post and don't want to go into it much here, but for me I'm really not worried about it. I don't expect it to be a cakewalk, but I have come to a place where I am very confident in my ability to give birth. Any pain I experience will be tolerable and I'm not afraid of it. My only concern is that I will not maintain my confidence and resolve throughout labor. I am absolutely certain I can do it, I'm less certain that I will still believe that while I'm actually doing it. Fortunately, I feel good about my choice of birthplace and birth partner and I trust them to give me the support I need. I'd like to have a doula, but they are very expensive and I just can't justify the out of pocket cost right now. I have been meaning to look into finding one who is in training and willing to come to my birth for free or very cheap to help her get the required experience for certification, but I keep forgetting. Maybe I will get to that before labor starts...
Dan's been a little jumpy for the last week or two. Every time I complain about my poor pulverized guts or say his name with any sort of emotional inflection (really, what pregnant lady isn't emotional?), he's pretty sure I'm about to tell him to go start the car and get me to the hospital. I don't scare him on purpose, but I have to admit that it's amusing! I am glad he has started keeping his phone on him while he is at work, though. It's nice to know he is now reachable if I need him and I won't have to wait until he is on break to be able to get ahold of him. Especially since he now has the car while he is there!
Technically I have been full term for 2 weeks now, since at 37 weeks babies are no longer considered premature. It feels surreal that the countdown to my estimated due date is now measured in days, not weeks. I finally stopped working after I finished my shift last friday, and now we are just playing the waiting game!
The newest developments on the physical front include the baby moving and stretching inward and downward into my guts, instead of mostly outward. This inward movement causes new levels of discomfort like I never imagined! I don't really want to get all complainy here, but I really thought internal organs weren't supposed to have nerves to be able to feel that! I'm pretty sure this baby quite literally kicks the crap out of me sometimes. I just hope I don't develop any internal bleeding. That doesn't happen, right? I mean, women's bodies are designed to withstand their ninja babies' antics, or else the human race would have died out a long time ago. So, I'll be fine. I just need to keep reminding myself that.
The movements are always getting bigger, and it is seriously nuts to see the shape of my stomach change so drastically. The ripples and corners that appear and disappear at random look like something out of a freaky science fiction story. Weird, weird, weird. But awesome. I love watching her squirm around in there, it is so fascinating. I was aware that the movements would get strong enough to see, but I had no idea it would look this dramatic. I seriously need to get a video before it's too late!
The fetal hiccups I was warned about seem to happen mostly in the evening when I've gone to bed or am snuggled up on the couch, and they are kind of annoying. I guess it's similar to when I have hiccups- I'm never exactly sure when then next one is coming but I'm pretty sure it is, and that makes it really hard to relax or concentrate on anything else.
Confession: The other day while I was sorting and putting away baby clothes (thanks again, Aunt Bev and Allison!), I teared up a little. The mental image of my brand new and completely perfect little person wearing one of those tiny adorable outfits was just too much for me! The socks are unreasonably small. There is no excuse for a person to be small enough to fit into one of those. It's unreal. In 3 weeks or less there will be a tiny person here having her tiny feet fit into those ridiculous socks. Well, at least those feet won't be doing me any more internal damage then! On one hand, I'm really excited to meet her and hold her and it feels like torture to have had to wait SO LONG and be so close and yet so far away from the actual time of her arrival. On the other hand, despite the discomfort and complaints, I've gotten used to her and to being pregnant. I don't feel the need to get her out ASAP, I feel like I can keep this up for a while and there is no rush. I want her to be good and ready to make her appearance, and as thrilled as I will be to have me back to myself, I don't mind her waiting around for a while longer. The only caveat is please please please, Lego, come out on your own before the 42 week mark so we don't have to discuss induction!
People get surprised when we discuss my plan to forgo pain medication, especially when I tell them I'm not worried about labor. Well, younger people anyway. Most of my elderly clients didn't have much in the way of pain relief options so they're less impressed. It surprises me a little bit how engrained in our modern cultural mindset it is that labor in an intolerably painful experience that is only made endurable by the grace of modern medicine. People who choose to go that route have every right and while I encourage them to read, take classes, and educate themselves, I respect that they make the choices that are right for them. I wrote about birthing and labor in a previous post and don't want to go into it much here, but for me I'm really not worried about it. I don't expect it to be a cakewalk, but I have come to a place where I am very confident in my ability to give birth. Any pain I experience will be tolerable and I'm not afraid of it. My only concern is that I will not maintain my confidence and resolve throughout labor. I am absolutely certain I can do it, I'm less certain that I will still believe that while I'm actually doing it. Fortunately, I feel good about my choice of birthplace and birth partner and I trust them to give me the support I need. I'd like to have a doula, but they are very expensive and I just can't justify the out of pocket cost right now. I have been meaning to look into finding one who is in training and willing to come to my birth for free or very cheap to help her get the required experience for certification, but I keep forgetting. Maybe I will get to that before labor starts...
Dan's been a little jumpy for the last week or two. Every time I complain about my poor pulverized guts or say his name with any sort of emotional inflection (really, what pregnant lady isn't emotional?), he's pretty sure I'm about to tell him to go start the car and get me to the hospital. I don't scare him on purpose, but I have to admit that it's amusing! I am glad he has started keeping his phone on him while he is at work, though. It's nice to know he is now reachable if I need him and I won't have to wait until he is on break to be able to get ahold of him. Especially since he now has the car while he is there!
Technically I have been full term for 2 weeks now, since at 37 weeks babies are no longer considered premature. It feels surreal that the countdown to my estimated due date is now measured in days, not weeks. I finally stopped working after I finished my shift last friday, and now we are just playing the waiting game!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
It's my blog and I'll whine if I want to, 35 weeks 5 days
Well... I warned you when I first started this blog that I might not be good at consistently keeping it updated. I've had a few posts sitting around waiting to be typed up and shared, but obviously they haven't taken priority over the lovely weather or the taking of naps. In fact, I have no idea why I'm inside doing this today when it's sunny and 80 out!
This is the post where I complain about being huge and uncomfortable. I know it's not THAT bad, I've heard stories. My pregnancy has been nothing but smooth sailing and I consider myself one lucky lady for that. But I've reached the point that everyone complains about, and now it's my turn. So all you ladies who actually have (or had) pregnancies worth complaining about, you might want to skip the rest of this post.
I feel enormous. That in itself isn't entirely terrible what with being pregnant and all, but being huge makes moving around seem like a workout of Olympic proportion. It's hard to get out of the car, it's hard to get up off the couch, it's hard to roll over in bed, and it's hard to put on my socks and pants. I grunt more than Spike, the pig who lived across the street from my Grandma and regularly crossed over to be scratched and fed carrots and potato peels.
This is probably too much information, but for a few months now my belly has been big enough that slouching or bending over causes my breasts to rest on top of it. That was pretty strange for me when it first started happening, but not surprising. Well, recently the bottom of my belly has begun hitting my thighs at the same time, which is an unexpected and unwelcome development! It makes bending over to wash my face uncomfortable, who'd have thunk something as simple as that would become a chore? Not cool.
My clothes don't fit. This delightful warm weather has everyone pulling their little summer dresses and tiny outfits out of their closets, and I feel like I'm never going to be happy with my wardrobe options again. I keep having to remind myself that my old clothes WILL fit, and I will be able to wear them and feel cute again before too much longer. Until then, I try and fail to convince myself I don't look like I'm wearing a tent. Then I try more successfully to convince myself that it doesn't matter, because I'm so pregnant that a tent is the only thing that covers my belly properly. I admit that my maternity clothes are not ALL tent-like, but most of my warmer weather ones are because I thought was being all smart and savvy by buying sale priced shirts that double as nursing tops. There was a reason those shirts lasted long enough in the store to be on sale. Now I'm too cheap and stubborn to go out and buy any more maternity clothes that will be worn for like, a month more, which naturally doesn't help. I am super looking forward to having my body back!
My feet and ankles keep swelling up when I'm on my feet for any length of time. This is more unsightly than uncomfortable so far, but I still don't like it. Feeling adventurous a couple weekends ago, Dan and I took the dog to Discovery park and walked the trails from the parking lot to the beach. I wore my comfy, expensive, outdoorsy shoes that I pretty much always wear and we took our time. I rested on the benches and we finally got to the beach an hour later. After exploring the low tide, I decided I needed to sit for a while and Dan offered to go get the car and bring it around to pick up me and the dog (who has a habit of randomly laying down every time he feels hot). Dan made the hike on his own in half an hour. After this ambitious adventure, I was exhausted, my ankles were huge, and my feet hurt for 2 days! My feet NEVER hurt, especially when I wear good shoes, so I found my newly sore feet particularly offensive. I'm lucky Dan is such a great husband; he rubbed them even though they were stinky, and made them feel so much better.
When I lay down at night or eat a big meal it becomes hard to breath for a while. I keep waking up with Lego wedged under my rib cage, and when she moves she pushes against my ribs and causes mild discomfort. I guess that's her way of saying good morning to her mama but I kind of wish she wouldn't. Getting up for midnight bathroom trips is the worst. It's hard enough to get out of bed without having a full bladder, but when you're 8 months pregnant and have really gotta go, struggling out from under the sheets into an upright position requires a herculean effort. On top of that, staggering half asleep to the toilet seems to wake up little Lego who decides it's play time and starts practicing her kickboxing as soon as I lay back down. Falling asleep again is no longer as quick and easy as it once was.
My back keeps getting sore! But not in the way I expected. So far my lower back is fine, it seems to be dealing with the added weight of Lego with little difficulty. But when I sit in a slouchy chair or couch for very long, or in a backless chair where I have to maintain my own upright posture, my upper back gets really tired and uncomfortable. I try sitting up straight but it doesn't help, I need to either lay down or move to a seat with decent back support. Standing up and walking around helps too -if my ankles aren't swollen.
If I lay on my back to put up my feet for a bit, my sacrum and hips get really sore and remain sore for a few minutes after standing up again. This is much worse on the floor, the bed seems soft enough to minimize pelvic discomfort so far. Dan tried practicing a technique to help relieve labor pain by squeezing my hips during a labor coping class, and ouch!! We will have to wait until labor actually starts to try that again. The thing is, it felt like I might have actually liked it if I weren't pregnant and full of ligament relaxing hormones. I have been known to enjoy a good firm hip massage.
When I start out on a walk at any pace faster than 90-year-old-lady speed or dog-sniffing-for-a-suitable-place-to-poop speed, my abdomen gets rock hard and I feel an urgent need to pee. This is a braxton hicks (or practice) contraction and is completely normal and painless. The problem is, it doesn't matter if I literally just went to the bathroom moments before starting out, it always feels like I need to rush back inside and empty my bladder. Also, it's uncomfortable! It doesn't seem to matter how hydrated I am (dehydration can cause or increase the frequency of braxton hicks) or if I'm not even going that fast, it happens every. single. time. It passes before too long though, so I'm still able to walk the dog without feeling like I'm about to go into serious labor, which I'm thankful for.
Okay, okay. That's enough complaining for today. Like I said, I don't REALLY have it all that bad. I haven't been doomed to months or even weeks of strict bed rest, my hips and all my rib joints have stayed comfortably in place, my blood pressure has been healthy on the low end of normal (high = scary during pregnancy), and even the aches and complaints I do have might be ever so slightly exaggerated here. I mean, I clipped my own toenails last night! It was quite an accomplishment, but I did it all by myself. That's something to feel good about!
This is the post where I complain about being huge and uncomfortable. I know it's not THAT bad, I've heard stories. My pregnancy has been nothing but smooth sailing and I consider myself one lucky lady for that. But I've reached the point that everyone complains about, and now it's my turn. So all you ladies who actually have (or had) pregnancies worth complaining about, you might want to skip the rest of this post.
I feel enormous. That in itself isn't entirely terrible what with being pregnant and all, but being huge makes moving around seem like a workout of Olympic proportion. It's hard to get out of the car, it's hard to get up off the couch, it's hard to roll over in bed, and it's hard to put on my socks and pants. I grunt more than Spike, the pig who lived across the street from my Grandma and regularly crossed over to be scratched and fed carrots and potato peels.
This is probably too much information, but for a few months now my belly has been big enough that slouching or bending over causes my breasts to rest on top of it. That was pretty strange for me when it first started happening, but not surprising. Well, recently the bottom of my belly has begun hitting my thighs at the same time, which is an unexpected and unwelcome development! It makes bending over to wash my face uncomfortable, who'd have thunk something as simple as that would become a chore? Not cool.
My clothes don't fit. This delightful warm weather has everyone pulling their little summer dresses and tiny outfits out of their closets, and I feel like I'm never going to be happy with my wardrobe options again. I keep having to remind myself that my old clothes WILL fit, and I will be able to wear them and feel cute again before too much longer. Until then, I try and fail to convince myself I don't look like I'm wearing a tent. Then I try more successfully to convince myself that it doesn't matter, because I'm so pregnant that a tent is the only thing that covers my belly properly. I admit that my maternity clothes are not ALL tent-like, but most of my warmer weather ones are because I thought was being all smart and savvy by buying sale priced shirts that double as nursing tops. There was a reason those shirts lasted long enough in the store to be on sale. Now I'm too cheap and stubborn to go out and buy any more maternity clothes that will be worn for like, a month more, which naturally doesn't help. I am super looking forward to having my body back!
My feet and ankles keep swelling up when I'm on my feet for any length of time. This is more unsightly than uncomfortable so far, but I still don't like it. Feeling adventurous a couple weekends ago, Dan and I took the dog to Discovery park and walked the trails from the parking lot to the beach. I wore my comfy, expensive, outdoorsy shoes that I pretty much always wear and we took our time. I rested on the benches and we finally got to the beach an hour later. After exploring the low tide, I decided I needed to sit for a while and Dan offered to go get the car and bring it around to pick up me and the dog (who has a habit of randomly laying down every time he feels hot). Dan made the hike on his own in half an hour. After this ambitious adventure, I was exhausted, my ankles were huge, and my feet hurt for 2 days! My feet NEVER hurt, especially when I wear good shoes, so I found my newly sore feet particularly offensive. I'm lucky Dan is such a great husband; he rubbed them even though they were stinky, and made them feel so much better.
When I lay down at night or eat a big meal it becomes hard to breath for a while. I keep waking up with Lego wedged under my rib cage, and when she moves she pushes against my ribs and causes mild discomfort. I guess that's her way of saying good morning to her mama but I kind of wish she wouldn't. Getting up for midnight bathroom trips is the worst. It's hard enough to get out of bed without having a full bladder, but when you're 8 months pregnant and have really gotta go, struggling out from under the sheets into an upright position requires a herculean effort. On top of that, staggering half asleep to the toilet seems to wake up little Lego who decides it's play time and starts practicing her kickboxing as soon as I lay back down. Falling asleep again is no longer as quick and easy as it once was.
My back keeps getting sore! But not in the way I expected. So far my lower back is fine, it seems to be dealing with the added weight of Lego with little difficulty. But when I sit in a slouchy chair or couch for very long, or in a backless chair where I have to maintain my own upright posture, my upper back gets really tired and uncomfortable. I try sitting up straight but it doesn't help, I need to either lay down or move to a seat with decent back support. Standing up and walking around helps too -if my ankles aren't swollen.
If I lay on my back to put up my feet for a bit, my sacrum and hips get really sore and remain sore for a few minutes after standing up again. This is much worse on the floor, the bed seems soft enough to minimize pelvic discomfort so far. Dan tried practicing a technique to help relieve labor pain by squeezing my hips during a labor coping class, and ouch!! We will have to wait until labor actually starts to try that again. The thing is, it felt like I might have actually liked it if I weren't pregnant and full of ligament relaxing hormones. I have been known to enjoy a good firm hip massage.
When I start out on a walk at any pace faster than 90-year-old-lady speed or dog-sniffing-for-a-suitable-place-to-poop speed, my abdomen gets rock hard and I feel an urgent need to pee. This is a braxton hicks (or practice) contraction and is completely normal and painless. The problem is, it doesn't matter if I literally just went to the bathroom moments before starting out, it always feels like I need to rush back inside and empty my bladder. Also, it's uncomfortable! It doesn't seem to matter how hydrated I am (dehydration can cause or increase the frequency of braxton hicks) or if I'm not even going that fast, it happens every. single. time. It passes before too long though, so I'm still able to walk the dog without feeling like I'm about to go into serious labor, which I'm thankful for.
Okay, okay. That's enough complaining for today. Like I said, I don't REALLY have it all that bad. I haven't been doomed to months or even weeks of strict bed rest, my hips and all my rib joints have stayed comfortably in place, my blood pressure has been healthy on the low end of normal (high = scary during pregnancy), and even the aches and complaints I do have might be ever so slightly exaggerated here. I mean, I clipped my own toenails last night! It was quite an accomplishment, but I did it all by myself. That's something to feel good about!
Belly Shots!
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| 11 weeks |
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| 21 weeks |
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| 28 weeks |
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| 33 weeks |
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| 35 weeks |
Lego has been big enough to feel by hand pretty easily through my stomach since, oh I don't remember, at least a month ago. We can feel where she is in my belly whether she is active or not, but it's often really hard to tell which end is which! We finally got the good news (confirmed by 5 minute in office ultrasound- no take home picture though) that she is head down and in position to go; relief! Her movements that are big enough to see through my belly have gotten big to the point of looking creepy and I feel like my belly is about to burst open Alien style. I keep trying to get a video of it, but it's really erratic so it's been impossible to get the recorder function all set up before she settles down. I'm probably the only one who thinks it's cool enough to record anyway. It is so fun when she pushes out that hard! Often it's a big a hard lump just below my ribcage, which is probably her back or butt. Other times it's angular and small, so it's probably a foot or a knee. Her hands seem to mostly be near her face, and she likes to punch my bladder. Luckily she needs to work on her boxing skills, so her punches aren't hard enough to cause major discomfort or sudden sprints to the bathroom.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Name Game part 3, 34 weeks
This actually happened a month ago or so, but I'm only getting around to posting it now because I think I'm too good for you all of a sudden. Okay okay, that's a big lie. The truth is, I'm lazy.
Dan's most recent name ideas;
Babygirl Lovechild
Junebaby Thunderfoot.
This kid will never have a name.
Dan's most recent name ideas;
Babygirl Lovechild
Junebaby Thunderfoot.
This kid will never have a name.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Bonded, 4/11/2012 31 weeks 2 days
Early on in pregnancy I searched out and read other women's pregnancy blogs. This was part of the inspiration for me to start my own blog. I wanted insider's perspectives of what pregnancy is really like week to week and month to month- from sources other than the weekly emails sent by the likes of babycenter with generalized pregnancy info and fetal development milestones. One of the bloggers wrote about how her relationship with her emotionally distant mother was causing her anxiety about her own ability to be a good, emotionally invested mother. This blogger discussed her fears with her therapist who assured her that the kind of detachment the blogger's mother exhibited is extremely rare. The therapist also told the blogger that even though she was months away from delivery she was already healthily emotionally bonded with her baby.
At the time I read this, the idea of being emotionally bonded with a fetus struck me as a bit odd. I was early enough in pregnancy that it still didn't quite feel real, and other than a nearly constant queasy stomach and persistent fatigue there wasn't any daily indication that a baby was in my future. Being emotionally bonded with the tiny creature buried deep inside me that didn't even look fully human yet seemed like a stretch.
During the first few months of pregnancy I was more emotionally attached to being pregnant than I was to the baby. Despite my initial surprise at seeing the plus sign on the pregnancy test, it did not take me long to embrace being pregnant. So, the loss of the pregnancy in the first trimester would have been quite an emotional blow, but to me it would not have represented the loss of an actual baby. The actual baby was far less real than the pregnancy, and the pregnancy itself was not a guaranteed continuing fact.
The stats for miscarriage are highest in the first trimester, and I think I was subconsciously protecting myself by not immediately going completely gaga over all things baby. I couldn't shake the feeling that the pregnancy could end at any time with little warning, and there was not much I could do about it. Maybe I internalized my Dad's favorite thing to say when planning a camping trip; "expect the best and be prepared for the worst". He'll be glad to know at least one thing stuck! As time passed and the statistics indicated that my pregnancy was more and more likely to end with a baby, I began getting gradually more excited. With each prenatal checkup showing normal healthy development, the pregnancy and resulting baby felt more real. Being able to feel Lego's movement helped confirm the reality of a future infant, and somewhere in there I began to get excited for my baby.
These days Dan and I can pretty reliably tell where Lego is in my womb. Her head is a big hard round lump and her body is another, longer hard lump. It's not always easy to tell which end is the head, but she definitely does not have to be active in order to be felt by either of us. When she is active and stretching, she makes lumps grow and move around on my belly. That is even weirder to feel than it is to watch! When I push on one of the temporary lumps, I can feel the other end of her dig in to me somewhere else. Even her smaller movements can be felt- sometimes Dan feels her moving gently under his hand but I haven't noticed a thing. So, it is quite obvious there is a baby, and she is real.
I am madly in love with her.
I totally get what that therapist was saying now. I'm falling more in love every day, and if his confessions of having baby fever are an indication, so is Dan. I'm not sure when this happened, but my emotions have definitely shifted and are now centered very much on Lego. I can't wait to hold her and dress her and feel the weight of her tiny body outside of my not-so-tiny body. Even if she is completely average in every way when it comes to meeting developmental milestones, I'm pretty sure that she will be the most stunningly amazing version of average out of any baby ever to exist. If she is developmentally delayed in some way, her development will still be more impressive than that of any other baby. If she comes out ahead in meeting her milestones, clearly that is because she is a genius and will one day be the mayor of Newt Gingrich's moon colony.
At the time I read this, the idea of being emotionally bonded with a fetus struck me as a bit odd. I was early enough in pregnancy that it still didn't quite feel real, and other than a nearly constant queasy stomach and persistent fatigue there wasn't any daily indication that a baby was in my future. Being emotionally bonded with the tiny creature buried deep inside me that didn't even look fully human yet seemed like a stretch.
During the first few months of pregnancy I was more emotionally attached to being pregnant than I was to the baby. Despite my initial surprise at seeing the plus sign on the pregnancy test, it did not take me long to embrace being pregnant. So, the loss of the pregnancy in the first trimester would have been quite an emotional blow, but to me it would not have represented the loss of an actual baby. The actual baby was far less real than the pregnancy, and the pregnancy itself was not a guaranteed continuing fact.
The stats for miscarriage are highest in the first trimester, and I think I was subconsciously protecting myself by not immediately going completely gaga over all things baby. I couldn't shake the feeling that the pregnancy could end at any time with little warning, and there was not much I could do about it. Maybe I internalized my Dad's favorite thing to say when planning a camping trip; "expect the best and be prepared for the worst". He'll be glad to know at least one thing stuck! As time passed and the statistics indicated that my pregnancy was more and more likely to end with a baby, I began getting gradually more excited. With each prenatal checkup showing normal healthy development, the pregnancy and resulting baby felt more real. Being able to feel Lego's movement helped confirm the reality of a future infant, and somewhere in there I began to get excited for my baby.
These days Dan and I can pretty reliably tell where Lego is in my womb. Her head is a big hard round lump and her body is another, longer hard lump. It's not always easy to tell which end is the head, but she definitely does not have to be active in order to be felt by either of us. When she is active and stretching, she makes lumps grow and move around on my belly. That is even weirder to feel than it is to watch! When I push on one of the temporary lumps, I can feel the other end of her dig in to me somewhere else. Even her smaller movements can be felt- sometimes Dan feels her moving gently under his hand but I haven't noticed a thing. So, it is quite obvious there is a baby, and she is real.
I am madly in love with her.
I totally get what that therapist was saying now. I'm falling more in love every day, and if his confessions of having baby fever are an indication, so is Dan. I'm not sure when this happened, but my emotions have definitely shifted and are now centered very much on Lego. I can't wait to hold her and dress her and feel the weight of her tiny body outside of my not-so-tiny body. Even if she is completely average in every way when it comes to meeting developmental milestones, I'm pretty sure that she will be the most stunningly amazing version of average out of any baby ever to exist. If she is developmentally delayed in some way, her development will still be more impressive than that of any other baby. If she comes out ahead in meeting her milestones, clearly that is because she is a genius and will one day be the mayor of Newt Gingrich's moon colony.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Easter Card Lady, 30 weeks 1 day
When I wear maternity clothes, it's really obvious that I'm pregnant. When I wear big baggy non-maternity clothes or my big coat all buttoned closed, it's not so obvious. In fact, I'm not sure the next door neighbors have noticed yet, because I always seem to have my coat buttoned or be wearing something baggy when I run in to them. In fact, last week one of them suggested to Dan that the four of us go out to a bar sometime. But with the weather getting gradually nicer, I have been wearing more fitted clothing and buttoning my jacket less often. People are noticing.
Everyone loves a pregnant woman.
I catch strangers smiling at my belly fairly often. Now that it's mostly obvious that I'm pregnant I've had a few strangers start talking to me about it. Strangers and acquaintances congratulate me and say things like "I bet you're excited" and ask if it's my first. They also like to ask how far along I am and then make comments about how big or small they think I look. I usually just smile and make nice noises and then continue whatever I had been doing. There was one stranger who bothered me though. This was almost a month ago, and I was in the greeting card section of a drug store with a client. A thin, middle aged woman with dyed blond hair interrupted our search for grandchild-appropriate Easter cards to ask me about my pregnancy. When I told her I was a bit over 6 months, she just couldn't believe it. She went on about how huge I was, and how I looked like I was just going to pop any minute now, and how she just couldn't believe I had about 3 months left to get even bigger, and I must be so uncomfortable. By the time I turned back to the Easter cards I was thoroughly annoyed.
I'm well aware that I look pregnant, and I'm not one of those pregnant woman who is sensitive to comments about the size of her belly. I've been told that I look tiny for how far along I am, and there are people who can't believe I'm this big already and only this far along. I actually had a client tell me that she couldn't believe I wasn't due next week and that I barely look pregnant at all- within a 10 minute time frame. Okay, so most of my clients are senile and have difficulty with memory. My point is, I accept that people are going to make comments and mostly they don't cause me to bat an eye. I do, however, feel that I should remind people that a pregnant woman is still first and foremost, a woman.
Women in America don't generally like people commenting on the size of their body unless it's to acknowledge recent weight loss, and pregnancy is little different for many (most?) women. The main difference between a pregnant woman and a non-pregnant woman is that the pregnant woman expects to be gaining weight, so weight loss or even lack of gain is usually cause for concern (at least, by the time she's far enough along that people can tell she is pregnant). So, commenting on how small a pregnant woman looks can lead to worry that she isn't gaining enough weight, isn't eating enough, or that her baby has something wrong and isn't growing. Comments about how big she is can cause anxiety about gaining too much weight too fast, eating too much junk, the negative impact that could have on the baby, and bring up body image issues about looking fat and bloated instead of pregnant.
Really, the only safe thing you can say to a pregnant woman is "you look amazing".
As I said above, I'm really not the type who is sensitive to size comments. 99% of the comments I have gotten haven't bothered me a bit. Mostly I just feel amused by the variety, from "How do you stay so small?" to "You look like the baby is coming tomorrow!". I know that me and Lego are healthy and at the size that is just right for us. I also don't suffer from body image issues, so even when I looked more chubby than pregnant I still felt pretty. Rather than feeling fat, I feel beautiful as a pregnant woman. I like my belly more now than I did not pregnant. So if you're worried about having offended me with some size related comment made on a facebook photo, worry no more. You didn't.
That said, don't be Easter Card Lady. Easter Card Lady should have stopped at one size related comment or better yet, have avoided size related comments at all. Easter Card Lady should have realized that pregnant women are often hormonal, moody, and overly sensitive. Easter Card Lady should have told me that I look amazing, and then shut up and gone back to her own business. Easter Card Lady holds the honor of having annoyed me to the point of me writing a blog post explaining why no one should be like her. Thanks for the inspiration, Easter Card Lady.
Everyone loves a pregnant woman.
I catch strangers smiling at my belly fairly often. Now that it's mostly obvious that I'm pregnant I've had a few strangers start talking to me about it. Strangers and acquaintances congratulate me and say things like "I bet you're excited" and ask if it's my first. They also like to ask how far along I am and then make comments about how big or small they think I look. I usually just smile and make nice noises and then continue whatever I had been doing. There was one stranger who bothered me though. This was almost a month ago, and I was in the greeting card section of a drug store with a client. A thin, middle aged woman with dyed blond hair interrupted our search for grandchild-appropriate Easter cards to ask me about my pregnancy. When I told her I was a bit over 6 months, she just couldn't believe it. She went on about how huge I was, and how I looked like I was just going to pop any minute now, and how she just couldn't believe I had about 3 months left to get even bigger, and I must be so uncomfortable. By the time I turned back to the Easter cards I was thoroughly annoyed.
I'm well aware that I look pregnant, and I'm not one of those pregnant woman who is sensitive to comments about the size of her belly. I've been told that I look tiny for how far along I am, and there are people who can't believe I'm this big already and only this far along. I actually had a client tell me that she couldn't believe I wasn't due next week and that I barely look pregnant at all- within a 10 minute time frame. Okay, so most of my clients are senile and have difficulty with memory. My point is, I accept that people are going to make comments and mostly they don't cause me to bat an eye. I do, however, feel that I should remind people that a pregnant woman is still first and foremost, a woman.
Women in America don't generally like people commenting on the size of their body unless it's to acknowledge recent weight loss, and pregnancy is little different for many (most?) women. The main difference between a pregnant woman and a non-pregnant woman is that the pregnant woman expects to be gaining weight, so weight loss or even lack of gain is usually cause for concern (at least, by the time she's far enough along that people can tell she is pregnant). So, commenting on how small a pregnant woman looks can lead to worry that she isn't gaining enough weight, isn't eating enough, or that her baby has something wrong and isn't growing. Comments about how big she is can cause anxiety about gaining too much weight too fast, eating too much junk, the negative impact that could have on the baby, and bring up body image issues about looking fat and bloated instead of pregnant.
Really, the only safe thing you can say to a pregnant woman is "you look amazing".
As I said above, I'm really not the type who is sensitive to size comments. 99% of the comments I have gotten haven't bothered me a bit. Mostly I just feel amused by the variety, from "How do you stay so small?" to "You look like the baby is coming tomorrow!". I know that me and Lego are healthy and at the size that is just right for us. I also don't suffer from body image issues, so even when I looked more chubby than pregnant I still felt pretty. Rather than feeling fat, I feel beautiful as a pregnant woman. I like my belly more now than I did not pregnant. So if you're worried about having offended me with some size related comment made on a facebook photo, worry no more. You didn't.
That said, don't be Easter Card Lady. Easter Card Lady should have stopped at one size related comment or better yet, have avoided size related comments at all. Easter Card Lady should have realized that pregnant women are often hormonal, moody, and overly sensitive. Easter Card Lady should have told me that I look amazing, and then shut up and gone back to her own business. Easter Card Lady holds the honor of having annoyed me to the point of me writing a blog post explaining why no one should be like her. Thanks for the inspiration, Easter Card Lady.
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