This actually happened a month ago or so, but I'm only getting around to posting it now because I think I'm too good for you all of a sudden. Okay okay, that's a big lie. The truth is, I'm lazy.
Dan's most recent name ideas;
Babygirl Lovechild
Junebaby Thunderfoot.
This kid will never have a name.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Bonded, 4/11/2012 31 weeks 2 days
Early on in pregnancy I searched out and read other women's pregnancy blogs. This was part of the inspiration for me to start my own blog. I wanted insider's perspectives of what pregnancy is really like week to week and month to month- from sources other than the weekly emails sent by the likes of babycenter with generalized pregnancy info and fetal development milestones. One of the bloggers wrote about how her relationship with her emotionally distant mother was causing her anxiety about her own ability to be a good, emotionally invested mother. This blogger discussed her fears with her therapist who assured her that the kind of detachment the blogger's mother exhibited is extremely rare. The therapist also told the blogger that even though she was months away from delivery she was already healthily emotionally bonded with her baby.
At the time I read this, the idea of being emotionally bonded with a fetus struck me as a bit odd. I was early enough in pregnancy that it still didn't quite feel real, and other than a nearly constant queasy stomach and persistent fatigue there wasn't any daily indication that a baby was in my future. Being emotionally bonded with the tiny creature buried deep inside me that didn't even look fully human yet seemed like a stretch.
During the first few months of pregnancy I was more emotionally attached to being pregnant than I was to the baby. Despite my initial surprise at seeing the plus sign on the pregnancy test, it did not take me long to embrace being pregnant. So, the loss of the pregnancy in the first trimester would have been quite an emotional blow, but to me it would not have represented the loss of an actual baby. The actual baby was far less real than the pregnancy, and the pregnancy itself was not a guaranteed continuing fact.
The stats for miscarriage are highest in the first trimester, and I think I was subconsciously protecting myself by not immediately going completely gaga over all things baby. I couldn't shake the feeling that the pregnancy could end at any time with little warning, and there was not much I could do about it. Maybe I internalized my Dad's favorite thing to say when planning a camping trip; "expect the best and be prepared for the worst". He'll be glad to know at least one thing stuck! As time passed and the statistics indicated that my pregnancy was more and more likely to end with a baby, I began getting gradually more excited. With each prenatal checkup showing normal healthy development, the pregnancy and resulting baby felt more real. Being able to feel Lego's movement helped confirm the reality of a future infant, and somewhere in there I began to get excited for my baby.
These days Dan and I can pretty reliably tell where Lego is in my womb. Her head is a big hard round lump and her body is another, longer hard lump. It's not always easy to tell which end is the head, but she definitely does not have to be active in order to be felt by either of us. When she is active and stretching, she makes lumps grow and move around on my belly. That is even weirder to feel than it is to watch! When I push on one of the temporary lumps, I can feel the other end of her dig in to me somewhere else. Even her smaller movements can be felt- sometimes Dan feels her moving gently under his hand but I haven't noticed a thing. So, it is quite obvious there is a baby, and she is real.
I am madly in love with her.
I totally get what that therapist was saying now. I'm falling more in love every day, and if his confessions of having baby fever are an indication, so is Dan. I'm not sure when this happened, but my emotions have definitely shifted and are now centered very much on Lego. I can't wait to hold her and dress her and feel the weight of her tiny body outside of my not-so-tiny body. Even if she is completely average in every way when it comes to meeting developmental milestones, I'm pretty sure that she will be the most stunningly amazing version of average out of any baby ever to exist. If she is developmentally delayed in some way, her development will still be more impressive than that of any other baby. If she comes out ahead in meeting her milestones, clearly that is because she is a genius and will one day be the mayor of Newt Gingrich's moon colony.
At the time I read this, the idea of being emotionally bonded with a fetus struck me as a bit odd. I was early enough in pregnancy that it still didn't quite feel real, and other than a nearly constant queasy stomach and persistent fatigue there wasn't any daily indication that a baby was in my future. Being emotionally bonded with the tiny creature buried deep inside me that didn't even look fully human yet seemed like a stretch.
During the first few months of pregnancy I was more emotionally attached to being pregnant than I was to the baby. Despite my initial surprise at seeing the plus sign on the pregnancy test, it did not take me long to embrace being pregnant. So, the loss of the pregnancy in the first trimester would have been quite an emotional blow, but to me it would not have represented the loss of an actual baby. The actual baby was far less real than the pregnancy, and the pregnancy itself was not a guaranteed continuing fact.
The stats for miscarriage are highest in the first trimester, and I think I was subconsciously protecting myself by not immediately going completely gaga over all things baby. I couldn't shake the feeling that the pregnancy could end at any time with little warning, and there was not much I could do about it. Maybe I internalized my Dad's favorite thing to say when planning a camping trip; "expect the best and be prepared for the worst". He'll be glad to know at least one thing stuck! As time passed and the statistics indicated that my pregnancy was more and more likely to end with a baby, I began getting gradually more excited. With each prenatal checkup showing normal healthy development, the pregnancy and resulting baby felt more real. Being able to feel Lego's movement helped confirm the reality of a future infant, and somewhere in there I began to get excited for my baby.
These days Dan and I can pretty reliably tell where Lego is in my womb. Her head is a big hard round lump and her body is another, longer hard lump. It's not always easy to tell which end is the head, but she definitely does not have to be active in order to be felt by either of us. When she is active and stretching, she makes lumps grow and move around on my belly. That is even weirder to feel than it is to watch! When I push on one of the temporary lumps, I can feel the other end of her dig in to me somewhere else. Even her smaller movements can be felt- sometimes Dan feels her moving gently under his hand but I haven't noticed a thing. So, it is quite obvious there is a baby, and she is real.
I am madly in love with her.
I totally get what that therapist was saying now. I'm falling more in love every day, and if his confessions of having baby fever are an indication, so is Dan. I'm not sure when this happened, but my emotions have definitely shifted and are now centered very much on Lego. I can't wait to hold her and dress her and feel the weight of her tiny body outside of my not-so-tiny body. Even if she is completely average in every way when it comes to meeting developmental milestones, I'm pretty sure that she will be the most stunningly amazing version of average out of any baby ever to exist. If she is developmentally delayed in some way, her development will still be more impressive than that of any other baby. If she comes out ahead in meeting her milestones, clearly that is because she is a genius and will one day be the mayor of Newt Gingrich's moon colony.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Easter Card Lady, 30 weeks 1 day
When I wear maternity clothes, it's really obvious that I'm pregnant. When I wear big baggy non-maternity clothes or my big coat all buttoned closed, it's not so obvious. In fact, I'm not sure the next door neighbors have noticed yet, because I always seem to have my coat buttoned or be wearing something baggy when I run in to them. In fact, last week one of them suggested to Dan that the four of us go out to a bar sometime. But with the weather getting gradually nicer, I have been wearing more fitted clothing and buttoning my jacket less often. People are noticing.
Everyone loves a pregnant woman.
I catch strangers smiling at my belly fairly often. Now that it's mostly obvious that I'm pregnant I've had a few strangers start talking to me about it. Strangers and acquaintances congratulate me and say things like "I bet you're excited" and ask if it's my first. They also like to ask how far along I am and then make comments about how big or small they think I look. I usually just smile and make nice noises and then continue whatever I had been doing. There was one stranger who bothered me though. This was almost a month ago, and I was in the greeting card section of a drug store with a client. A thin, middle aged woman with dyed blond hair interrupted our search for grandchild-appropriate Easter cards to ask me about my pregnancy. When I told her I was a bit over 6 months, she just couldn't believe it. She went on about how huge I was, and how I looked like I was just going to pop any minute now, and how she just couldn't believe I had about 3 months left to get even bigger, and I must be so uncomfortable. By the time I turned back to the Easter cards I was thoroughly annoyed.
I'm well aware that I look pregnant, and I'm not one of those pregnant woman who is sensitive to comments about the size of her belly. I've been told that I look tiny for how far along I am, and there are people who can't believe I'm this big already and only this far along. I actually had a client tell me that she couldn't believe I wasn't due next week and that I barely look pregnant at all- within a 10 minute time frame. Okay, so most of my clients are senile and have difficulty with memory. My point is, I accept that people are going to make comments and mostly they don't cause me to bat an eye. I do, however, feel that I should remind people that a pregnant woman is still first and foremost, a woman.
Women in America don't generally like people commenting on the size of their body unless it's to acknowledge recent weight loss, and pregnancy is little different for many (most?) women. The main difference between a pregnant woman and a non-pregnant woman is that the pregnant woman expects to be gaining weight, so weight loss or even lack of gain is usually cause for concern (at least, by the time she's far enough along that people can tell she is pregnant). So, commenting on how small a pregnant woman looks can lead to worry that she isn't gaining enough weight, isn't eating enough, or that her baby has something wrong and isn't growing. Comments about how big she is can cause anxiety about gaining too much weight too fast, eating too much junk, the negative impact that could have on the baby, and bring up body image issues about looking fat and bloated instead of pregnant.
Really, the only safe thing you can say to a pregnant woman is "you look amazing".
As I said above, I'm really not the type who is sensitive to size comments. 99% of the comments I have gotten haven't bothered me a bit. Mostly I just feel amused by the variety, from "How do you stay so small?" to "You look like the baby is coming tomorrow!". I know that me and Lego are healthy and at the size that is just right for us. I also don't suffer from body image issues, so even when I looked more chubby than pregnant I still felt pretty. Rather than feeling fat, I feel beautiful as a pregnant woman. I like my belly more now than I did not pregnant. So if you're worried about having offended me with some size related comment made on a facebook photo, worry no more. You didn't.
That said, don't be Easter Card Lady. Easter Card Lady should have stopped at one size related comment or better yet, have avoided size related comments at all. Easter Card Lady should have realized that pregnant women are often hormonal, moody, and overly sensitive. Easter Card Lady should have told me that I look amazing, and then shut up and gone back to her own business. Easter Card Lady holds the honor of having annoyed me to the point of me writing a blog post explaining why no one should be like her. Thanks for the inspiration, Easter Card Lady.
Everyone loves a pregnant woman.
I catch strangers smiling at my belly fairly often. Now that it's mostly obvious that I'm pregnant I've had a few strangers start talking to me about it. Strangers and acquaintances congratulate me and say things like "I bet you're excited" and ask if it's my first. They also like to ask how far along I am and then make comments about how big or small they think I look. I usually just smile and make nice noises and then continue whatever I had been doing. There was one stranger who bothered me though. This was almost a month ago, and I was in the greeting card section of a drug store with a client. A thin, middle aged woman with dyed blond hair interrupted our search for grandchild-appropriate Easter cards to ask me about my pregnancy. When I told her I was a bit over 6 months, she just couldn't believe it. She went on about how huge I was, and how I looked like I was just going to pop any minute now, and how she just couldn't believe I had about 3 months left to get even bigger, and I must be so uncomfortable. By the time I turned back to the Easter cards I was thoroughly annoyed.
I'm well aware that I look pregnant, and I'm not one of those pregnant woman who is sensitive to comments about the size of her belly. I've been told that I look tiny for how far along I am, and there are people who can't believe I'm this big already and only this far along. I actually had a client tell me that she couldn't believe I wasn't due next week and that I barely look pregnant at all- within a 10 minute time frame. Okay, so most of my clients are senile and have difficulty with memory. My point is, I accept that people are going to make comments and mostly they don't cause me to bat an eye. I do, however, feel that I should remind people that a pregnant woman is still first and foremost, a woman.
Women in America don't generally like people commenting on the size of their body unless it's to acknowledge recent weight loss, and pregnancy is little different for many (most?) women. The main difference between a pregnant woman and a non-pregnant woman is that the pregnant woman expects to be gaining weight, so weight loss or even lack of gain is usually cause for concern (at least, by the time she's far enough along that people can tell she is pregnant). So, commenting on how small a pregnant woman looks can lead to worry that she isn't gaining enough weight, isn't eating enough, or that her baby has something wrong and isn't growing. Comments about how big she is can cause anxiety about gaining too much weight too fast, eating too much junk, the negative impact that could have on the baby, and bring up body image issues about looking fat and bloated instead of pregnant.
Really, the only safe thing you can say to a pregnant woman is "you look amazing".
As I said above, I'm really not the type who is sensitive to size comments. 99% of the comments I have gotten haven't bothered me a bit. Mostly I just feel amused by the variety, from "How do you stay so small?" to "You look like the baby is coming tomorrow!". I know that me and Lego are healthy and at the size that is just right for us. I also don't suffer from body image issues, so even when I looked more chubby than pregnant I still felt pretty. Rather than feeling fat, I feel beautiful as a pregnant woman. I like my belly more now than I did not pregnant. So if you're worried about having offended me with some size related comment made on a facebook photo, worry no more. You didn't.
That said, don't be Easter Card Lady. Easter Card Lady should have stopped at one size related comment or better yet, have avoided size related comments at all. Easter Card Lady should have realized that pregnant women are often hormonal, moody, and overly sensitive. Easter Card Lady should have told me that I look amazing, and then shut up and gone back to her own business. Easter Card Lady holds the honor of having annoyed me to the point of me writing a blog post explaining why no one should be like her. Thanks for the inspiration, Easter Card Lady.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The Video, 29 weeks 3 days
Last week we had our monthly group appointment. Lego's heartbeat sounded good and I'm measuring right on track, as usual! During the group part we watched a video of a woman labor and give birth without receiving anything for pain. The nurse-midwives wanted us to see a birth as it really looks; labor lasting many hours with only a few people around and most of it appearing pretty dull to the casual observer. The media portrays labor and birth as a quick, intense event that begins with the water breaking and after an action packed rush to the hospital a squalling infant appears amidst an excited crowd of hospital staff and main characters.
The last time I had seen an uncensored recording of a real birth was in high school health class. The birthing video was infamous around school for showing everything, and most of my peers were vocal about finding it unpleasant. At the time the video was pretty effective birth control, and I have to admit that I averted my eyes when the baby began to crown. My teenage self was far too much of a prude to want to see that!
Last week, my reaction was quite different. I found myself tearing up as the baby was born and placed on his mother's chest. As the lights flicked on and we looked around, it became clear that every single pregnant woman in the room was wiping her eyes. One of the nurse-midwives made a joke about never having seen a woman cry during that video before (obviously, pregnant women cry all the time when shown the video), and we moved on with our discussion. I all but forgot about it, but later it became clear that at least some of the men had been utterly baffled by the ladies' tears. Dan just couldn't wrap his head around it, and asked me what had evoked my emotional response. He emphasized the fact that "every single pregnant woman cried". He has certainly noticed my increased capacity for waterworks during the last several months, and told me he thought it was the crazy cocktail of pregnancy hormones. He might have been right, but I warned him he better watch himself talking like that around a pregnant woman!
The last time I had seen an uncensored recording of a real birth was in high school health class. The birthing video was infamous around school for showing everything, and most of my peers were vocal about finding it unpleasant. At the time the video was pretty effective birth control, and I have to admit that I averted my eyes when the baby began to crown. My teenage self was far too much of a prude to want to see that!
Last week, my reaction was quite different. I found myself tearing up as the baby was born and placed on his mother's chest. As the lights flicked on and we looked around, it became clear that every single pregnant woman in the room was wiping her eyes. One of the nurse-midwives made a joke about never having seen a woman cry during that video before (obviously, pregnant women cry all the time when shown the video), and we moved on with our discussion. I all but forgot about it, but later it became clear that at least some of the men had been utterly baffled by the ladies' tears. Dan just couldn't wrap his head around it, and asked me what had evoked my emotional response. He emphasized the fact that "every single pregnant woman cried". He has certainly noticed my increased capacity for waterworks during the last several months, and told me he thought it was the crazy cocktail of pregnancy hormones. He might have been right, but I warned him he better watch himself talking like that around a pregnant woman!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Belly shots!
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| 11 Weeks |
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| 18 Weeks |
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| 24 Weeks |
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| 26 Weeks |
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| 28 Weeks- 3rd Trimester! |
In other news, my belly button is still an innie!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Name Game Part 2, 28 weeks 4 days
After we found out that baby Lego is a girl, we got slightly more serious about picking a name for her. I say slightly, because we would start by discussing names we actually like (well, names one or the other of us likes) and devolve into a contest for coming up with the worst names. Sometimes the conversation would start out that way from the beginning; we would pretend to insist on a name we knew the other would hate only to be countered with another terrible name. You can understand how we manage to not make any real headway on the name front.
We did manage eventually to narrow down the choices to two top contenders. We both like either choice but, of course, disagree on which name is best. After being stuck at an impasse for a few weeks we decided to put the final decision on hold for a while. I thought that maybe if he was given time to digest without pressure from me, he would quickly realize that I am right. I didn't expect that his name of choice would grow on me, too! When we brought up the topic again, we were both less certain than we had been before about which name we favored. We both still like both names!
The final decision remains to be made about baby Lego's name. At this rate, it won't be made until after she is born.
Actually, the final decision is pretty likely to be made after she is born. Maybe she will have an opinion on what her name should be, and since she will be the one signing it all her life it seems only fair that she gets to weigh in. Maybe after meeting her it will be obvious that one name over the other is the best fit for her. Also, Dan and I have agreed not to worry about it anymore. The birth certificate won't have to be signed for several months yet, so we have time. Until then, calling her "Lego" does the job just fine as far as we are concerned.
We did manage eventually to narrow down the choices to two top contenders. We both like either choice but, of course, disagree on which name is best. After being stuck at an impasse for a few weeks we decided to put the final decision on hold for a while. I thought that maybe if he was given time to digest without pressure from me, he would quickly realize that I am right. I didn't expect that his name of choice would grow on me, too! When we brought up the topic again, we were both less certain than we had been before about which name we favored. We both still like both names!
The final decision remains to be made about baby Lego's name. At this rate, it won't be made until after she is born.
Actually, the final decision is pretty likely to be made after she is born. Maybe she will have an opinion on what her name should be, and since she will be the one signing it all her life it seems only fair that she gets to weigh in. Maybe after meeting her it will be obvious that one name over the other is the best fit for her. Also, Dan and I have agreed not to worry about it anymore. The birth certificate won't have to be signed for several months yet, so we have time. Until then, calling her "Lego" does the job just fine as far as we are concerned.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The pee stick, October 16 2011
I want to record the story of how I found out I was pregnant, maybe more for me than for you reading this.
Now, I'm not a date-oriented person. So much so that I have always been terrible at remembering my own anniversaries. Dan and I never had an official dating anniversary, because neither of us could remember the date. We knew it was in spring, within a few weeks of my birthday. So, how do I know the exact date I found out I am pregnant? Normally, I wouldn't, but it just so happened to be Dan's birthday. That would be his real birthday, not his pretend birthday on October 9th. I don't know why he thinks he needs two birthdays, but oh well.
I had been feeling off and sickish for a while, but even though my period was late I really didn't think I was pregnant. My period is often late and I figured it would show up when it wanted, just like always. I was a little concerned though, and wanted to make a doctor appointment to make sure I was okay. It was pretty likely that they would test for pregnancy at the doctor so I decided to go ahead and take a test on my own just to rule out the possibility before making an appointment.
I watched in shock as the plus sign appeared immediately. I stared at it for a few seconds, then quickly put it down and left the room. A few minutes later I crept back in and gingerly picked up the test. Still positive. I shook it, and looked again. The opening scene in the movie Juno came to mind, where Juno is reminded by Rainn Wilson's character that a pregnancy test is not an etch-a-sketch, and I felt a little silly. I peered doubtfully at the result window. The plus sign was still there, darker than the control line that shows up to let you know the test is not defective. I put it down and left again.
I picked Dan up at work that evening. I had sneaked in and out of the bathroom a few more times, rechecking that the test hadn't mysteriously changed it's mind. I hadn't given any thought as to how I would tell Dan, and I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it secret long enough to devise a sweet and creative way to break the news. So, as soon as he had his seat belt buckled I handed him the test. Nice way to say hello, right? Don't worry, I cleaned the stick before tucking it in my pocket. Anyway, Dan kind of stared at it in silence for a few seconds. I assumed he had very limited familiarity with the devices and was figuring out the results. Then he grinned. "This is the best birthday present ever"!
Now, I'm not a date-oriented person. So much so that I have always been terrible at remembering my own anniversaries. Dan and I never had an official dating anniversary, because neither of us could remember the date. We knew it was in spring, within a few weeks of my birthday. So, how do I know the exact date I found out I am pregnant? Normally, I wouldn't, but it just so happened to be Dan's birthday. That would be his real birthday, not his pretend birthday on October 9th. I don't know why he thinks he needs two birthdays, but oh well.
I had been feeling off and sickish for a while, but even though my period was late I really didn't think I was pregnant. My period is often late and I figured it would show up when it wanted, just like always. I was a little concerned though, and wanted to make a doctor appointment to make sure I was okay. It was pretty likely that they would test for pregnancy at the doctor so I decided to go ahead and take a test on my own just to rule out the possibility before making an appointment.
I watched in shock as the plus sign appeared immediately. I stared at it for a few seconds, then quickly put it down and left the room. A few minutes later I crept back in and gingerly picked up the test. Still positive. I shook it, and looked again. The opening scene in the movie Juno came to mind, where Juno is reminded by Rainn Wilson's character that a pregnancy test is not an etch-a-sketch, and I felt a little silly. I peered doubtfully at the result window. The plus sign was still there, darker than the control line that shows up to let you know the test is not defective. I put it down and left again.
I picked Dan up at work that evening. I had sneaked in and out of the bathroom a few more times, rechecking that the test hadn't mysteriously changed it's mind. I hadn't given any thought as to how I would tell Dan, and I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it secret long enough to devise a sweet and creative way to break the news. So, as soon as he had his seat belt buckled I handed him the test. Nice way to say hello, right? Don't worry, I cleaned the stick before tucking it in my pocket. Anyway, Dan kind of stared at it in silence for a few seconds. I assumed he had very limited familiarity with the devices and was figuring out the results. Then he grinned. "This is the best birthday present ever"!
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