Fear and Amazement -11 weeks, 2 days 11/25/2011

I wrote a couple, uh, entries(?) already but since I don't spend much actual time on the computer didn't post them right away. Hence the back dated title.

So far, this pregnancy thing doesn't really seem real. Some part of me doesn't believe that it will last, or that in less than a year there will be a real, live, actual baby in my arms. Or that much sooner than that I will be kicked firmly in the ribs by a living creature that is INSIDE MY BODY. Freaky. I can't believe this is happening. To ME.

Now that morning sickness has mostly passed and I'm still not showing, there isn't noticeable proof of a baby in me. The morning sickness was almost a comfort, because it was proof. I've had one appointment so far with the Certified Nurse-Midwives at Swedish Ballard, during which the not-trained-as-an-ultrasound-tech midwifery intern did a quick ultrasound scan and gave us a single printout of something that we are told is a picture of our baby (truthfully, I don't see it) so we do have that. But that doesn't mean that nothing has changed since then. Horror stories of women having their next ultrasound and the heartbeat having disappeared are shoved to the back of my mind to be reviewed during one my weaker moments when I momentarily succumb to the tiny, terrified part of me that is convinced this isn't for real. My next, for real ultrasound performed by a real ultrasound tech, is next week. Maybe after that this will all seem real. And lasting.

It's silly, really.  I have no reason to think anything could be wrong and so far I am considered to be at a very low risk for any complications in the pregnancy or with the baby. But the truth is, that tiny part of me rears it's ugly head now and then and I AM afraid. Not just of imminent miscarriage (a phrase I no longer allow myself to google), but of pregnancy itself. I'm afraid of losing control over my body and appetite and experiencing rampant uncontrollable weight gain, while leaking various fluids all over my clothes. I'm afraid of swelling to enormous proportions and being unable to bend over to put my pants on or to fit my engorged feet into anything other than flip flops. I'm afraid of feeling fat, lumbering, and ugly for months on end.  The sheer length of pregnancy unnerves me a little- the next 7 or so months stretch ominously before me, full of the mysterious boogeymen of angry red stretch marks appearing suddenly all over my body, of insatiable ravenous hunger, and of Pregnancy Brain causing me to make terrible mistakes like forgetting to show up at work or leaving the stove on and burning down the whole building.

Wow. Take a deep breath and calm down, Kelsey.

I'm really not THAT bad. I'm really not driving myself and Dan to the very brink of sanity with my incessant worry. Okay, so I have some concerns but the truth is they don't actually take up that much of my time.

One thing I'm weirdly not afraid of (so far) is the actual birth itself. I anticipate a healthy, normal birth and I know my body will be able to do it's job when the time comes. I guess I may be a little apprehensive, cause no one likes pain and I want to go natural if I can, but I have a lot of faith in my ability to give birth. My body was made to do it. I trust that if I relax and let my body do it's thing, me and the baby will come through labor and delivery just fine. It comforts me to remember that women have been laboring and birthing for thousands and thousands of years without pain meds or modern intervention, and most of them did fine. I have all that history, plus the benefit of modern medicine on my side. If all those women could do it, so can I.

The real, absolute truth is, I am THRILLED to be pregnant! I absolutely LOVE that I am growing a future person. I feel lovely, lucky, and blessed every day. I feel so proud and lucky to be a woman, capable of this amazing beautiful thing. I know (with my rational mind) that 9 months are little more than a blip in my life, they will fly by and all too soon this phase will end. I'm amazed by this whole process. I'm so curious about this wondrous journey! I'm hopeful and excited to find out what this will all be like, how pregnancy will treat me. I simply cannot wait until I can feel the first little flutters of movement in there, and I'm holding my breath until the day the kicks are strong enough for Dan to feel. I'm even looking forward to the big belly and needing new clothes, because it will be my big belly. My big belly full of life. I am in awe. Most of all, I can't wait to meet little Lego and stare into the little face, hypnotized by every tiny sound and movement.