Early on in pregnancy I searched out and read other women's pregnancy blogs. This was part of the inspiration for me to start my own blog. I wanted insider's perspectives of what pregnancy is really like week to week and month to month- from sources other than the weekly emails sent by the likes of babycenter with generalized pregnancy info and fetal development milestones. One of the bloggers wrote about how her relationship with her emotionally distant mother was causing her anxiety about her own ability to be a good, emotionally invested mother. This blogger discussed her fears with her therapist who assured her that the kind of detachment the blogger's mother exhibited is extremely rare. The therapist also told the blogger that even though she was months away from delivery she was already healthily emotionally bonded with her baby.
At the time I read this, the idea of being emotionally bonded with a fetus struck me as a bit odd. I was early enough in pregnancy that it still didn't quite feel real, and other than a nearly constant queasy stomach and persistent fatigue there wasn't any daily indication that a baby was in my future. Being emotionally bonded with the tiny creature buried deep inside me that didn't even look fully human yet seemed like a stretch.
During the first few months of pregnancy I was more emotionally attached to being pregnant than I was to the baby. Despite my initial surprise at seeing the plus sign on the pregnancy test, it did not take me long to embrace being pregnant. So, the loss of the pregnancy in the first trimester would have been quite an emotional blow, but to me it would not have represented the loss of an actual baby. The actual baby was far less real than the pregnancy, and the pregnancy itself was not a guaranteed continuing fact.
The stats for miscarriage are highest in the first trimester, and I think I was subconsciously protecting myself by not immediately going completely gaga over all things baby. I couldn't shake the feeling that the pregnancy could end at any time with little warning, and there was not much I could do about it. Maybe I internalized my Dad's favorite thing to say when planning a camping trip; "expect the best and be prepared for the worst". He'll be glad to know at least one thing stuck! As time passed and the statistics indicated that my pregnancy was more and more likely to end with a baby, I began getting gradually more excited. With each prenatal checkup showing normal healthy development, the pregnancy and resulting baby felt more real. Being able to feel Lego's movement helped confirm the reality of a future infant, and somewhere in there I began to get excited for my baby.
These days Dan and I can pretty reliably tell where Lego is in my womb. Her head is a big hard round lump and her body is another, longer hard lump. It's not always easy to tell which end is the head, but she definitely does not have to be active in order to be felt by either of us. When she is active and stretching, she makes lumps grow and move around on my belly. That is even weirder to feel than it is to watch! When I push on one of the temporary lumps, I can feel the other end of her dig in to me somewhere else. Even her smaller movements can be felt- sometimes Dan feels her moving gently under his hand but I haven't noticed a thing. So, it is quite obvious there is a baby, and she is real.
I am madly in love with her.
I totally get what that therapist was saying now. I'm falling more in love every day, and if his confessions of having baby fever are an indication, so is Dan. I'm not sure when this happened, but my emotions have definitely shifted and are now centered very much on Lego. I can't wait to hold her and dress her and feel the weight of her tiny body outside of my not-so-tiny body. Even if she is completely average in every way when it comes to meeting developmental milestones, I'm pretty sure that she will be the most stunningly amazing version of average out of any baby ever to exist. If she is developmentally delayed in some way, her development will still be more impressive than that of any other baby. If she comes out ahead in meeting her milestones, clearly that is because she is a genius and will one day be the mayor of Newt Gingrich's moon colony.
It is truly a miracle Kelsey and once she arrives you won't even know that you could love someone so much. I seem to love Lili more and more each day and I didn't think it was possible. She is almost 2 and like you said to me her development is more impressive than any other kid out there. You are going to be a great mom!!
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